Trust

The last week has been pretty tough. I had left the girlfriend about a year ago to go to SF, and only after asking what happened while i was gone, did i find out that she went on some dates. This shouldn't surprise me, the first time i left to enter homelessness she ended up borking her ex. It's really kind of weird to be honest, to think that giving sex will result in what she wants ultimately, to not be alone.

So after finding out she dated while i was in SF, supposedly only kissing one of her dates, i fell into this state of depression. It was just a frank appraisal that i really would prefer a fortress of solitude than what appeared to be a relationship based on something that isn't candid. This in and of itself would likely be sufficient, especially if the kali yuga does indeed mean that true friendship is nigh impossible to acquire. I should probably state the simple truth that the girlfriend has put up with quite a bit, and i'm reminded of my own past relationships in which i paid the food and rent and exchanged this for "companionship", which, was sex in large part. When i look back i find it difficult to comprehend why i was with some of the people i was with, even now, the girlfriend and i don't have much in common. She isn't athletic, which is what i think i would prefer, like most previous relationships, finding common ground is difficult, the only saving grace being the pushing, from either herself or myself, to get the other to do things they like. In the past for me it was video games, but now it's exercise and meditation.

So, i'm not sure. Aside from the absolutely obvious, that a pretty much useless, menial job will be necessary as a result of the money reality, there is still a large part of me that really wishes to abandon the whole thing (i.e. life itself or the world), but without the resources to do so. I suspect this is probably how a large portion of the population feels in relationships that aren't balanced. I'm quite certain that i wasn't "charming" enough in previous relationships to live out of a cardboard box with, and now is no exception (especially since i wouldn't want to live in a cardboard box even alone). Solitude appears to be calling me, but i wonder if it's just another case of the grass being greener. When I spend time outside, alone, there are three things that i worry about, body position, temperature, and food. Of course the latter 2 are problems even inside a dwelling, but it is nice to only be aware of the body and how it is feeling in the present moment.

There is a palm tree out front that i have been sitting under, and i suspect i will return to it at some point. Perhaps i should strive to make this my bodhi tree, unfortunately, saying it and doing it are two absolutely different things.

During may state of sadness, i didn't feel like eating or drinking anything. I still exerted myself and rode 20mi (round trip) to occupy la to see about donating some "head warmers" i had. The total amount of time without fluid was 9 hours. It was pretty miserable. This was longer than the last time, when i went 8 hours. It's not that i feel all that accomplished by it, however, it is an investigation of the 4 noble truths that i guess has to be done. If in fact the cause of dukkha (disharmony/suffering/pain) is tanha (thirst/grasping/craving), then it should be a good test for the meditation practice. I probably shouldn't even be testing the meditation practice, since i don't really do enough of it...i mean, it's not a consistent 2 hours a day or 4 hours a day that the monks do. Really, it seems i probably should let go more. There is kind of this comfort in letting the mind and body do their thing. It already breathes on its own, what else could it do without my intruding?

The really strange thing about the trust "problem", is that if she is telling me the truth, then i should accept it as a token of trust and be contented in that. However, there is something that is bothering me. I'm not entirely sure what it is. It may be that she realizes my options are limited, as i've stated as such, and this being the case would rather kind of have this power over me, since she feels that i have too much over her. Needless to say, i should have a solid escape option of solitude should things turn out to be mostly lies.